Paris Olympics from A to Z: C is for Canada, E is for Eff-bombs, and P is for (redacted)

Three-hundred-and-twenty-nine medal events in 32 sports. And certificates awarded for the fourth- to eighth-place finishers.

Perhaps Parisians — those who didn’t bug out from the capital for vacay during the Olympic fortnight — will be glad to see the end of us, the lollapalooza that came to an end with Sunday night’s closing ceremony. But from the local habitués I rubbed up against, most seemed rightly proud of how these Games were mounted and how they unfolded. Except for the traffic snarls. We have enough of those in T.O. too, without Olympics to blame.

Memories will fade soon, even the bad ones, episodes that drove many of us bats—t crazy. But before these Games fade into the haze of history (it wasn’t all about winners and losers) here’s my A to Z of Paris 2024.

A for Aesthetics: A sweet detail was how glammed up female athletes — despite the soaking sweat (horses sweat, men perspire, women glisten) — presented themselves, as if to retain a patina of femininity amid their muscular jockiness. Elaborate makeup in a palette of vivid-coloured eyeliner and eye shadow. Bronzed Canadian pole-vaulter Alysha Newman had the cool aplomb to apply a fresh layer of cherry-red lipstick before jumps.

Lady track athletes boasted some formidable talons, perhaps useful to brace for the start out of the blocks, but I suspect mostly for the sheer razzle-dazzle of it. Canada’s 4x100-metre relay team had gone for manicures in Barcelona before arriving in Paris.

“It’s easy to forget yourself as an athlete and just always work hard and think that you’re not good enough,” said Marie-Éloïse Leclair, inspecting her own patriotic-inspired nail-grooming after the quartet secured a spot in the final with a   national record of 42.50 seconds. “I can reward myself with a set of nice nails.’’

Sade McCreath: “For me it’s about look good, feel good, run good. You’re on TV.’’

B is for Bollocks: The unnecessary and hugely distracting fuss raised by the disreputable, Olympics-exiled International Boxing Federation, using Algeria’s Imane Khelif and Taiwan’s Lin Yu-ting as cannon fodder in its endless war with the International Olympic Committee. Offering no proof, the Russian-run IBA claimed both women were men. They are not. Both won gold.

Also, the brilliance of Simone Biles. Three years after she was forced to withdraw from all but one of her Olympic finals in Tokyo due to the twisties, the unparalleled gymnast staged one of the greatest comebacks ever: three golds and a silver and, at age 27, the oldest all-around champion since 1952.

C is for C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-CANADA: Twenty-seven medals including nine gold for the Canadian contingent,   a  national record for a nonboycotted Summer Olympics.

D is for Deep Dive: China’s divers swept all eight gold medals in Paris.

Also Novak Djokovic, who finally copped an Olympic medal — gold in tennis singles — in what was realistically the 37-year-old Serb’s last shot at fulfilling his dream. Fifth player in history to achieve the Golden Slam (winning all four majors and the Olympics).

Also Armand Duplantis, who had  Stade de France in the palm of his hand, winning his second Olympic gold in pole vault for Sweden before earning his ninth world record by raising the bar to 6.25 metres.

E is for Eff-bombs: Legendary Canadian distance runner Moh Ahmed dropped one on live TV after his fourth-place finish (0.33 seconds off the bronze podium ) in the 10,000 metres. NBC golf analyst Morgan Pressel may have uttered the same F-yip whilst commenting live for NBC. After Canada’s Brooke Henderson hit a glorious shot and gave a fist bump to her caddy while walking away, an excitable Pressel seemed to say: “She’s f—-ing fired up. You love to see it.’’ Pressel later issued a statement. “I just want to take a moment to acknowledge something I said yesterday during the broadcast. I stumbled over my words and unfortunately it sounded as if I said something inappropriate. I’m sorry that it came across as such because I would never say that on the air or in a broadcast.’’

Sure. Pull the other one.

Paris Mayor Anne Hidalgo, however, was pulling no F-punches in an expletive-filled tirade with Le Monde. Still expressing  outrage over criticism of the opening ceremony, the strongly socialist Hidalgo made her feelings crystal clear: “F—- the reactionaries. F—- the far right. F—- all of those who would like to lock us into a war of all against all.’’

F is for fencing: Where Eleanor Harvey won Canada’s first-ever Olympic medal in the sport: bronze in women’s individual foil. And where Egyptian fencer Nada Hafez competed while seven months pregnant in women’s sabre.

Also a shout-out to French runner Alice Finot, who finished fourth and broke the European steeplechase record, then proposed to her Spanish triathlete boyfriend Bruno Martinez Bargiela in the stands. She’d raced with a pin signifying the nine years they’ve been together, having vowed that if she ran under nine minutes she’d pop the question. She ran 8:58.67.

G is for Goodbye: To all the athletes who have announced their retirement or will likely not pass the Games way again. Biles, LeBron James, British diver Tom Daley, glorious Jamaican sprinter Shelly-Ann Fraser-Pryce. Legendary Swedish swimmer Sarah Sjöström, who left Paris with her fifth and sixth career medals (gold in the 50 free and 100 free) 16 years after making her Games debut at Beijing 2008. Andy Murray and likely Rafael Nadal, who couldn’t mine any metal out of Roland Garros, where he’s amassed 14 French Open titles.

H is for Hammered: Hoo-boy, Canadians can hurl the hammer, B.C.’s Ethan Katzberg and Camryn Rogers triumphant.

I is for Israel: Whose athletes were targeted for “psychological terror,’’ according to national Olympic committee president Yael Arad, although she didn’t provide any further details. However, the Paris prosecutor’s office revealed last week that it had opened an investigation into emailed death threats and the hacking of some Israeli athletes, their personal data released online.

In related news (or not) there was a poignant moment for Palestinian swimmer Yazan Al Bawwab in the pool. His first and only race lasted less than a minute — but long enough to have the flag colours of the Palestinian territories on his lane.

“France, like many European countries, still doesn’t see Palestine as a country,’’ said Al Bawwab. “But we have a lane here at the Paris Olympics.’’

J is for jumping for joy: Especially in Cuba, if by proxy. The men’s triple jump podium was entirely Cuban by extension. Cuba-born Jordan Díaz Fortún claimed gold for Spain, Cuban-born Pedro Pichardo struck silver for Portugal, and Cuban-born Andy Díaz Hernández brought home bronze — for Italy.

K is for Kenya’s extraordinary long-distance runners: Double gold for Beatrice Chebet (5,000-metre and 10,000-metre), gold for Emmanuel Wanyonyi in an 800-metre thriller (fending off the challenge from Canada’s Marco Arop, who took silver) and gold for Faith Kipyegon in the 1,500.

Illustrious Eliud Kipchoge — one of only three men to win the Olympic marathon twice — didn’t finish the gruelling race this time, dropping out after the 30-kilometre marker with physical discomfort. “This is my worst marathon. I have never done a DNF (did not finish) before.’’ He actually walked for about two kilometres, trailed by adoring fans. “There were about 300 people walking with me. That’s why I don’t have my shirt, the socks, shoes. I gave them all out.’’

L is for LE-ON! LE-ON: French hero Léon Marchand parted the waters in the pool, the gaga crowd practically blowing the roof off the venue. Four golds and a relay bronze.

M is for miracles, because they do happen in sports: Julien Alfred beating favourite Sha’Carri Richardson in the 100-metre dash to win a first-ever Olympic medal for St. Lucia, then following with a silver in the 200. Thea LaFond, gold in triple jump, first ever for Dominica. American Cole Hocker passing on the inside to cop gold in an epic 1,500-metre race that made also-rans out of Josh Kerr and Jakob Ingebrigtsen, who’ve been swapping world championships and trading trash-talk. And let’s throw in the unanticipated feel-good historic silver for Canada’s women’s rugby sevens squad.

N is for Cindy Ngamba: Who arrived in England from Cameroon as a child and in Paris won a first-ever medal — burnished bronze — for Team Refugee. Her British citizenship application has been repeatedly rejected by the Home Office.

O is for Oh-Oh, or maybe Oops: Australian field hockey player Tom Craig was arrested for allegedly attempting to buy cocaine: “I made a terrible mistake and I take full responsibility for my actions.’’ Meanwhile, Paraguay’s butterfly swimmer Luana Alonso was kicked out of the Olympic Village (by her own committee) for creating an “inappropriate” environment. We’re dying to know the details.

P is for Penis (envy): Hardly anyone initially noticed when Frenchman Anthony Ammirati seemed to knock off the bar in pole vault — with his junk. Which was not sitting snugly in his uni but, um, flopping around. Somebody did clock it, though, and turned the 21-year-old into a viral phenomenal. Ammirati, who’d walked through the mixed zone unmolested by reporters, later posted a video on YouTube (staring out glumly as he’s eating) with this tagline: “POV. You make more buzz for your package than your performance.’’

Q is for QR code: They’re everywhere and the bane of my existence for reporters to download data. Can I just have a piece of paper?

R is for Russians: A.k.a. Individual Neutral Athletes. Only 15 on the Games team — almost forgot they were here. The IOC rule is that they must not have expressed any support for Russia’s invasion of Ukraine. Yet there was trampolinist Anzhela Bladtceva, who took part in a pro-war event in Krasnodar against a backdrop that included the military propaganda symbol Z.’

S is for Scandal Schmandal: Canada. Drone. Soccer. Bye-bye coach. The story that won’t die, though I would gladly plunge an ice pick in its neck.

And Summer McIntosh of course: simply sensational.

T is for Troth, I pledge thee: Always colourful Italian high-jumper Gianmarco Tamberi dropped his wedding ring in the Seine while waving his country’s flag in the opening ceremony and explained the loss to his wife on a long flowery social media post. Excerpt: “I saw it dive into the water as if that was the only place it wanted to be … It will remain forever in the riverbed of the city of love … If you want we will throw yours into that river too so that they will be together forever.’’

U is for Ukraine: In the midst of a brutal war that has killed thousands, Ukrainian athletes — their motto “The Will to Win’’ — gave their country some respite from the horror. Twelve medals, most inspiringly gold for world champion high-jumper Yaroslava Mahuchikh. She dedicated her medal to the more than 500 Ukrainian athletes and coaches who’ve been killed.

V is for Vinesh Phogat: The marquee Indian wrestler was disqualified mere hours before the 50-kilogram freestyle final for failing to make weight — 100 grams over. She tried everything to shed those grams, even lopping off her hair.

W is for Who dat say who dat? Noah Lyles, 100-metre champion and arguably the most divisive athlete in history — all boast and braggadocio — is taking flak (Prime Minister Justin Trudeau among the trolls) after a video resurfaced from the world relay championships this past spring where the American was asked if he saw Canada as a threat in the men’s 4x100-metre relay. He responded: “Who? Who?’’

The Canadian foursome, of course, seized a stunning gold. The Americans (without COVID-struck Lyles) were disqualified for the 14th time at the Olympics after running out of the zone on a terrible baton exchange.

Also, the Wizard of Awes: breaking gold at its Games debut for Canada’s Phil Wizard (nee Kim).

X is for X-ecrable: (Yes, I’m cheating.) Canada’s men’s basketball team.

Y is for Alex Yee: Amazing comeback finish for Britain’s Yee in the triathlon: trailing rival Hayden Wilde of New Zealand by 14 seconds at the start of the final running lap, then exploding to the front at the finish line, winning by six seconds.

Z is for Zzzzz: As in catch some. Stick a fork in me, too. I’m done.