From friends with benefits to married with children. How it all fell into place for sex educator Shan Boodram and her husband: Dating Stories

The dates

I met [my future husband, creative director] Jared [Brady] at a party he was hosting. A friend of mine was dating his friend, so I came in a group and noticed him immediately. He had such ease moving through the crowd; I wanted him to dance with me so bad. He didn’t, but I was able to find him on Instagram through our mutual friend connection and we started following each other. I then learned he was 24 and I was about to turn 30, so I decided not to pursue anything further. He DMed me and then we’d exchanged likes here and there but that was all.

A full year after that, I left a comment on his Instagram post about his birthday. He DMed me “Want to hang out?” I said “When?” He said “Now.” I said, “Well, now is tricky because I’m at a Bernie Sanders rally and then I have to go home and pack for a flight in the morning.” He said, “OK, I’ll help you pack.” 

So we spent our first date packing! Because I’d met him through a mutual friend, I felt safe to have him visit my studio apartment … which he said he almost left because the building looked like there were only serial killers and catfishes inside. I had a projector — it’s cheaper than a TV and made the studio seem cooler — and he asked if he could play his favourite Ted Talk for me. Then he asked if he could put my legs over his lap, we kissed and that was pretty much it, but when I went away the next day I kept thinking about the kiss and I was like, “There’s something about this guy.”

After we met, I thought, “Hmm, I’m really sexually attracted to him, but I don’t see him as long-term relationship material.” At the time I had a hiking buddy, a cuddle buddy and a deep conversation buddy, but not a sex one, so I thought, “Let me see if he’s down to connect in that framework!” He was and actually was most drawn to me because of my work as a sexologist, so we were both down to start an ethical friends-with-benefits arrangement.

It just so happened that when we met up in person for the first time he’d just moved walking distance to me; prior to that, it would have been a 30-minute drive, and based on where we were both at in our lives, that would have made it a non-starter, so the timing was right. About a month into our FWB arrangement I told him I was leaving town for two weeks. He volunteered to water my plants while I was away, and for some crazy reason I gave this near-stranger my keys, and when I got back my plants looked healthier than ever. About eight months and a few more slow progressions after that, I got bedbugs at my creepy apartment. Jared came by, threw out my furniture and really stepped up for me. 

After my bedbug drama, I moved out of my apartment and into somewhere much nicer a street over. A few weeks into living there, Jared’s roommate expressed he was moving his girlfriend in, and Jared was venting saying he wanted to get out of there ASAP and find somewhere new to live. I said, “Why not stay with me while you look?” He shut it down immediately and then later admitted that he was worried that it would destroy what a great and easy thing we had going, but asked if the offer still stood because he did need the help for two weeks. When the two weeks were up, he found a new place and went to the apartment with his new roommate to sign. His roommate forgot to bring a photo ID, so they couldn’t sign that day. When Jared came back, I posed to Jared that maybe this was a sign that he should stay with me because I had loved living with him. We went for a drive, hiked and then agreed. After he moved in officially, we decided we needed a more elaborate title than FWB to describe what we shared.

My background in sexology made a world of difference because I knew what I needed, I knew how to create circumstances that allowed my best, most relaxed self to thrive and I knew how to communicate my boundaries in an inviting way. But, most importantly, Jared was someone who was drawn to, not intimidated by, my work, so from day one he respected my expertise and in turn, I respected his. Yes, I had more technical knowledge than him, but Jared is a much more compassionate and in-the-moment person than me. I learned a lot about flow, authenticity and empathy through him. 

Mid-relationship we did everything: great restaurants, hikes, rooftop pools, day parties, live music, ice cream dates, night drives with the top down once we got a convertible. Now that we are married with kids, our best dates are vacations! Totally away from home, we actually have the time to unwind, get dressed up and go out without the thought of needing to get back or needing a good night’s rest so we don’t pay the next day. I am glad that we did all that other stuff and now we spend a lot of time reminiscing about it as we drive by those places with “Wheels on the Bus” blaring through our minivan speakers.

I have loved every journey we’ve been on, and right now what I love and appreciate most is how present we both are in this stage of our life, which I’d describe as the boring phase. Our life is so routine, and our kids are one and three, which means our time off work is centred around things they like to do, which usually means things or shows that are boring to us. We came back from our couples’ trip in April, so we won’t go on another one for awhile, and during the summer the kids’ daycares close a lot, so if we do get child care, it’s been to help us finish work, not for dates. So, honestly, the fact that we don’t have anything exciting planned and we are still completely in this together is hands-down the most romantic truth to me. Between 9 p.m. and 11 p.m. nightly is our time and obviously my favourite time of day, because, for now, time at home as a family while the kids sleep and we have the capacity to be awake? That is date night!